There are many face shapes out there. Some are universally recognizable, others more exotic. But what they have in common is that they’re all wrong. Here are some tips to help you power through the lifelong journey of compensating for your lackluster genetics.
Famous Hearts: Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Campbell, Count Chocula
Do: Draw attention to your sexy forehead cleft by applying bronzer and blending it outward.
Don’t: Whistle, or it will make your face look like a butt.
Famous Circles: Little Miss Sunshine (both the cartoon and Abigail Breslin in the 2006 movie), Kirby, the weeping ball from the 2009 Zoloft commercial
Do: Use blush like your life depends on it. Because it does. Smile in front of the mirror as you apply it to create the illusion of cheekbones. Actually, just hold your face in a continuous smile throughout the day.
Don’t: Forget to take your Zoloft.
Famous Grapes: Kamala Harris, Microsoft Word Paperclip, Mr. Peanut
Do: Yawn as much as possible with a look of doe-eyed insouciance to accentuate your naturally lithe face shape.
Don’t: Apply your foundation unevenly; you’ll end up looking like a two-toned ibuprofen tablet. But if you apply it too evenly, you risk looking like a hard-boiled egg. You could always skip the foundation, as long as you’re okay with everyone calling you “brave.”
Famous Trapezoids: John Goodman
Do: Accept that your best shot at looking good is tricking people into thinking your face is an entirely different shape. Grow out your hair or rock a beard to cover up your sloping jowls. Then apply fake lashes and pray you get mistaken for a yassified parallelogram.
Don’t: Don a stupid little hat. It will only draw attention to your wildly asymmetrical forehead-to-chin ratio.
Famous Apostrophes: Jafar (in disguise as an old man in the dungeon), the sperm voiced by Bruce Willis in Look Who’s Talking, Elizabeth Holmes
Do: Wear a turtleneck to conceal the disturbing proportions of your tiny neck to your ponderous head. Also to signal that you are evil.
Don’t: Apply eyeliner over your water line, or apply yourself over plural nouns. Your gorgeous girl power lies in contractions and possessiveness.
Famous Pretzels: Theodore Roosevelt, Skull & Crossbones
Do: Create the illusion of eyes by lining the two gaping holes in your face with black kohl pencil.
Don’t: Conceal your pimples. Those are actually just big flecks of salt and they’re crucial to your whole thing.
Famous Dodecahedrons: Maybe a soccer ball? Look, we’re beauty experts, not people who passed ninth-grade geometry.
Do: Invest in a long-lasting lip stain. With a dozen pairs of lips, a few of them are bound to drag on the ground as you walk, and you don’t want to have to keep reapplying.
Don’t: Bother with contouring. We get it: you have twelve faces. And honestly, it’s kind of a lot.
Famous Timothée Chalamets: Timothée Chalamet in Homeland, Timothée Chalamet in Call Me By Your Name, Timothée Chalamet in Lady Bird, Timothée Chalamet in Little Women, Timothée Chalamet in Dune, etc.
Do: Thank your lucky stars, because your chiseled countenance is the only correct face shape. You are the platonic ideal of beauty. Every person in the world is attracted to you. No adjustments needed!
Don’t: Encourage the other shapes to practice self-acceptance. No one but you should be satisfied with their appearance, so just keep starring in movies to remind the general population that their faces are misshapen travesties in desperate need of our beauty tips.